Out of Control, Or Not?: An Advice Question

Dear Zane,

I have been friends with this man for three years; he is blowing my mind both mentally and sexually. For the past couple of months, I find myself dreaming about him all of the time. With the exception of having sex once two years ago, we have remained simply friends. I did not let myself get caught up because he is in the reserves and I can’t see him as much as I want. After we had sex that one time, he was distant and avoided my text messages and phone calls. We eventually started our friendship back up and left sex out of the equation. Whenever he is in town, we hang out. He comes by my place or I drop by his. He never wants to leave and we talks for hours. We sleep on the sofa and he never forces sex. He comforts me whenever I have a problem.

The no-sex, friendship thing has been turning me on. A couple of weeks ago, he came into town and over to my place. When I saw him, I wanted to fuck him so badly, and I did. It was so intense and afterwards I expected him to fall asleep but he didn’t. He asked where did that leave us. He is about to be on active duty full-time and he is not happy about that. I don’t want to stress him out even more but I do crave for a relationship. I thought that I had it all under control but I cannot just be his fuck buddy. He has all of the qualities that I desire in a man. We are both thirty-three. What advice do you have?

Signed,
Out of Control

Dear Out of Control,

I don’t really see a negative in this, with the exception of your insecurities. The man has remained your friend for several years without sexing you on the regular. In my world, that means that his feelings for you are quite sincere and you should appreciate that. People fear the unknown and I think that while the two of you are quite comfortable in your connection, and feelings for each other, you both fear what may or may not happen. The one thing that I do know for sure is that trials and tribulations in life are much easier to bear with someone to walk beside of you and hold your hand. Yes, he is going on active duty and yes, you crave a lot of attention, so while the conditions may not be ideal, that does not negate you being ideal for each other.

What you need to do now is have a deep, heartfelt conversation. He asked you where the recent lovemaking session leaves you. Only you can define your happiness and what you are willing or not willing to sacrifice in order to obtain it. He may not be there for you every day but there are some men who are around 24-7 and yet their women do not feel an ounce of love. Stop doubting him, and yourself, and appreciate and love that man.

Blessings,
Zane